One spring day in 1985 I learned two things about my friend Stephen: that my Coleco Vision’s game controllers were compatible with his Commodore 64, and that he was a thief. Before I tell this tale, let me start with an apology. Perhaps I’m being hasty with my labels. “Friend” might be pushing it. Let’s agree on something a bit more conservative, say “acquaintance”.
Outline for Patch 4.0
Before I tell this tale, let me start with an apology. Perhaps I’m being hasty with my labels. “Friend” might be pushing it. Let’s agree on something a bit more conservative, say “acquaintance”.
Since you aren’t really apologizing for anything how about: "Before I tell this tale, let me make a correction as I was being hasty with my labels. “Friend” might be pushing it; let’s agree on something a bit more conservative, say “acquaintance.”
Video games had a detrimental affect on me
Should be “effect” as that’s the noun version.
typically took turns try to beat
Change to “trying to beat”
I never fell of my bike.
“of” to “off”
I’m calling to let you that you Shawn seems to have forgotten
Ow my brain. “I’m calling to let you know that Shawn seems to…” I think.
Because he’s going to be coming by to come pick them up
Redundant. Remove “come”
speaking in the faked politeness
This is a bit nit picky but it sounds better to address the “faked politeness” as a language or tone and sounds better without the “the” here.
was his affect on people.
The one in the previous paragraph from this was good but this one needs to be the noun version again “effect.”
There is no betrayal where loyalty never existed.
Great line. I’m sure every kid had to deal with that at some point with some “friend” when they were young.
I’m attempting to pull a fast one over on the reader: I’m leading them into thinking I’m about to apologize for calling someone a thief (a serious allegation), but instead, call the friend/acquaintance relationship into question – making it clear that the ‘thief’ label was never the issue.
It was supposed to be
the same faked politeness
…y’know, as before. Added the missing comparative.
All other changes rolled up!