My eyes moved up to the minimap, also displaying the time. 1:59pm.
Fuck. Me.
Dave called out from the other side of the office, “Yo, Shawn! You comin’?”
In the most artificially calm voice I could muster, I yelled back.
“Yeah! Uh…just a minute! Wrapping up a quick, er…thing, here.”
The spaz in me was about to take over.
The quiet clacking of keys on keyboards peeked out of the several cubes
When I think of a sound moving, I don’t really think “peeked”. That’s more like a person looking around a corner. How about “drifted” or “hovered” or “floated”?
Yet music flowed up through the ear buds into the canals toward the ear drum.
I think it works better, when starting a sentence with “yet” and it is not connected to another sentence, to have a comma after it: “Yet, music flowed up through the ear buds…” or maybe have it start out as “And yet…”
The theme song of the Storm Peaks was was what fueled
Remove one “was”.
I was tossed a fraction of my raise at the annual review
How about “fraction of a raise” since the reader can’t put into context what your raise might have been when you say “my raise”.
Once trust and relationships were in place and I had proven my worth could I risk taking the gaming plunge at the office.
I think this flows a bit better if you replaced “once” with “Only when”. Or if you wanted it to sound a bit fancier go with “Once trust and relationships were in place and I had proven my worth, only then could I risk taking the gaming plunge at the office.”
The only way to improve one’s chances were to increase
Replace “were” with “was”.
If I could spent hours on a computer,
Change “spent” to “spend”.
Personification/Synesthesia. Rather than change what the sounds do, I updated how I react to them (not deaf to sounds, but blind to the stare).